When a child experiences a loss, there is tremendous upheaval in the child’s life.  Whether emotional or physical, positive or negative, this upheaval can be cathartic and life changing.  The experiences that children go through during this challenging time in their life can allow them to grow and mature if they are allowed to grieve properly, or it can thrust them into years of confusion and unclear emotions.  Even if a child is allowed to grow and mature and heal properly through this experience, the question is always asked, “How long is too long to grieve the death of a loved one?”  Many people have wrestled with this question over the years and many different opinions have emerged, but we will see that placing a time limit on the grief of a child is neither helpful nor productive and in some cases can damage a child as they journey into adulthood.

In our evaluation of the question “How long is too long to grieve the death of a loved one?” I feel that it is necessary that we look at the intended benefits, if any, which are to be gained by limiting a child’s grieving process.  A common myth in dealing with children and grief is that ‘children are more flexible’, can recover ‘more rapidly’, and are not capable of understanding the many dynamics of grief from the loss of a loved one.  This presumption goes hand and hand with the benefit that is wrongly perceived by most people who are unaware of death and the grieving process that the quicker you are into and out of grief the better it is for the child.  The reality of the matter is that children grieve and hurt as strongly as adults do; however, unlike an adult who possess a more mature and sophisticated concept of death and grieving, a child will continue to revisit the process of grief as they get older and their views of death and grieving change.  A child of three to five years of age when a loved one dies will see death as temporary and reversible and they will grieve with this understanding.  As this child then reaches the age of five to nine they will begin to view death as a personification, as a real entity they can be “gotten by” who can be avoided.  They may also begin to realize that death is not fair and they may even begin to obsess that it was their fault.  These changes in the child’s perceptions of death will cause the child to reevaluate the death of that same loved one under their newly learned criteria many years later.  This can continue as the child progresses through their understanding of death until they reach an adult understanding.  There is no benefit in limiting the child to grieving for a shortened period of time and then insisting that they grieve no more.  This would restrict the child to a limited understanding of death and drive them into more confusion as their thoughts and ideas of death change and they are not allowed to express their grief.  As we will see, this failure to address these future changes in grief can lead to maladjusted adult behavior also.

Some people believe that allowing children to deal directly with death and grief results in maladjusted adult behavior.  In reality, not allowing a child to deal directly with death and grief can be more detrimental to adult behavioral development.  Children, depending on their developmental stage and understanding of death, can experience a myriad of emotions.  Among these are anger, guilt, and sadness.  These are some of the strongest emotions that any person can feel, and in a child, where the coping mechanism and understanding levels are not fully developed, these emotions can be amplified.  If a child experiences intense anger or guilt over the death of a loved one and that anger or guilt is not addressed properly during the grieving process, then that emotion has the possibility of multiplying over the years as the child gets older.  What started out as manageable anger or guilt surrounding a death, which could have been managed with proper help and guidance, may develop into intense rage, depression, suicidal tendencies or even resentment toward family members who refused to help them.  If a caring adult had simply taken the time to realize that this intense emotion, this tremendous emotional energy, was present and had allowed the child to communicate their feelings in a safe environment when it was first being experienced, it is likely that the journey into these more damaging and severe emotional levels could have been prevented.  Children who can lead themselves, with appropriate guidance, to the conclusion that the death of their loved one was not their fault, would not have that guilt hanging over them as they get older.  Hopefully, their journey into adulthood would be smoother and any negative behaviors which may have arisen from the complacency of the adults around them could be avoided.

If there are no benefits to limiting the grieving period of a child and there are no benefits to ignoring a child’s grief, then what motivates parents and others to continue doing these things?  It could be the numerous myths surrounding children and death, some of which we have already discussed, accompanied by the fact that the people who are supposed to be helping these children in most cases do not even understand their own grief well enough to be able to guide a child through their grief. Children obtain their ways of dealing with death by modeling the behaviors of those around them.  They pick up on everything within their environment from moods to emotions to actions, and form their own moods, emotions and actions to express what they are feeling.  If the adults around a grieving child do not understand their own moods, emotions and actions surrounding the death of a loved one, then the child, by modeling the adult’s incorrect behaviors, will also be lost.  It is often the confusion surrounding the adults that leads to the child’s grief completely being ignored.  If the child begins to act out through their confusion by becoming clingy, silent, withdrawn, hyperactive, etc., the parent, in their own state of confusion, may act out against the child’s actions in such a way that stifles the child’s natural expression of emotions surrounding their grief.  Adults who are in a position to be a role model to a grieving child need to first learn to understand their own feelings about death and grief.  By understanding their own feelings, they can then assure that they are not simply imposing their feelings surrounding death on the child, but instead are allowing the child to reach their own understanding surrounding death and then guiding them through the grieving process.  Adults helping children through their grief may further address their own grief in the process, allowing both to grow from the experience and creating a bond of trust that can carry forward as the child ages.  This bond of understanding between parent and child can prove helpful as the child advances in their personal understanding of death and revisits their personal coping methods for this loss years later.

We have discovered that children feel the hurt of a death to the same extent as adults, but may not know how to express this hurt.  Children express intense emotions surrounding death and grief, and if left unmanaged these intense emotions can intensify with age and understanding and can lead the child into a maladjusted adult life.  Adults who don’t address their own feelings about death can negatively affect a child’s expression of grief surrounding a death.  Children do not grieve on a set time schedule, but actually adopt alternate coping methods as their understandings of death change.

These realizations are enlightening; however, what does a child need to heal properly as they journey through their grief no matter how long it takes?  Children need an appropriate healing environment.  An environment that is accepting and provides room for all kinds of opinions and behaviors; that is educational and teaches the child about what is happening to them as they grieve, providing them signposts throughout the grief process; that is respectful and allows the child to hurt and heal in their own way, in their own time; that is responsive and attempts to answer all of the child’s questions about death; that is safe and allows the child to express their thoughts or feelings in a way that prevents them from hurting themselves or others; and finally, a healing environment is hopeful and does not focus on the hope that is gone by the loss but instead pays attention to the hope that remains after the loss, the hope of the future and everything that still lies in front of the child.

We have looked at the topic of how long is appropriate for a child to grieve.  We have seen that children’s views of death change as they age.  We have seen that children are affected by the behaviors and actions of those around them.  We have also seen that children act out and even model the behaviors of those around them as they grieve.  We have also seen that ignoring a child’s grief can be detrimental.  All of this leads us to the conclusion that children grieve in their own way and in their own time. This grief can last for a minute, an hour, a day or even years, and children may continue processing their grief many years after a death as their views and understanding of death change.  A healthy, well adjusted child will be allowed to grieve, assisted by caring and understanding adults who have a clear understanding of their own views of death, in an environment which allows the child to express themselves and heal appropriately.  We must all realize that we must be led by the child, we must learn what their views of death are, no matter what they are, and then we must accompany them on their journey, allowing them to heal in their own way and in their own time.  No matter how long it takes.