A Few Steps Towards Healing

The loss of a loved one is always hard.  You miss the companionship, you even miss the disagreements.  You feel like you have a bag over your head and you are struggling through each day with no true purpose or direction.  There are times when you cry without reason or you get mad at the least little thing.  It is almost like you are in the middle of a thick forest on an overcast day, and though you are looking desperately for direction, you can only see trees.  The question remains, “how do I get out of this?” 

When you lose a loved one, your life is forever changed.  You have lost a part of you that you will never get back and you have to learn to live again, without that part.  In order to survive, you have to take that first step towards healing, towards getting out of that forest of seemingly endless trees.  After a while you will begin to live again with the realization that life goes on in spite of your loss.

What are these steps you need to take?  The list below is in no way complete, but is intended to provide a good starting point for your healing and continuation in your new life.

First and foremost, you must acknowledge the loss of your loved one.  Being able to say “my husband died” or “my wife died” goes a long way towards starting the healing process.  Like a wound on your body needs sunlight to heal, putting the reality of your loved one’s death into a real light helps with your healing also.

Next, you need to embrace and own the experience in which you find yourself.  The feelings you are experiencing are normal.  If you try to stifle them they will come back and they will come back stronger.  In order to process through your healing you need to allow the emotions to manifest themselves, experience them and move through them.  Cry when you want to cry, be angry when you need to be angry, don’t restrict your healing by stifling your emotions.

That being said, make sure you express your anger and pain in ways that are non-destructive.  Don’t do anything that will hurt anyone, especially you.  Don’t break things unless you are sure you won’t regret it later.  We had a woman in one of our groups that threw a chair, which her husband had gotten for the front porch, off of the porch, smashing it to bits.  She destroyed the chair but she didn’t care.  She felt better when it was over.

One of the best things you can have when you are grieving is a support system.  Build a group of supportive listeners that you can call on when you need to share.  Sometimes this can be accomplished by participating in a regular grief support group; however, it can also be accomplished with a group of people who understand what you are experiencing and are willing to listen and help you talk through your grief.

Never judge yourself, and never let others judge you.  When someone dies we always begin the “what-ifs”: “what if I had done this differently? What if I had been there?”  The “what-ifs” will drive you insane.  Never dwell on the “what ifs.”  The death has occurred, due to the nature of things we can’t go back and change it, acknowledge the loss (Step 1 from above) and move beyond the self-judgment with the realization that there is absolutely nothing you could have done.  Forgive yourself for whatever you perceive you have done or not done.

Concentrate on your loved one’s life, not their death.  Remember the good times, the trips, the moments that made your life with your loved one special.  Many times we begin to dwell on the “what” or “why” of a person’s death and begin to get drawn into that whirlpool of self-judgment and pity that can destroy us.  We focus on hospital beds, medicines, the physical decline of our loved one and lose focus on their face, the fun times and memories that were shared.

It is important for you to discover who you are now that your loved one has died.  What is your new purpose, what is your new focus, what do you want to accomplish now that your loved one has died?  So often a death can be seen as an ending point for the living as well as the one who died.  The survivor sees their hope die with the person who died and they no longer want to do anything, or accomplish anything.  It is important that you continue to have hope, and goals, and an idea of what you want to accomplish in your new life.

Lastly, the most important thing that you can remember when journeying through your grief is the love that you shared.  Never forget they lived and never forget they loved.  Grief is an integral part of love, without love you would not grieve.  But because you cared for this person, because you loved this person, you will grieve.  Grief is a natural response to loss.

Life Changes Aftercare sponsors bi-weekly grief support group meetings that are open to anyone who may have a need.  We currently have 24 supportive listeners that are always eager to meet with someone who is starting into the same journey they have traveled.  Their insight into their experience with grief may prove to be helpful with you in your journey through grief.  For more information concerning our meetings, please call 770-786-7062 and ask to speak with Adam Cooper or Catherine Parnell or call our Grief Support Information Line at 678-729-9985.